Embarrassed and shameful

Embarrassed and shameful

Sometimes l cant read.
Or write.
Or undestand conversations.

I am in one of those periods right now.

l can write this post because l just place my fingers on the keyboard and write what l think.
I can see red lines under the words l have misspelled, but l dont know what l have spelled wrong because l cant read it.

My eyes can see what each letter is, l can put them together to words but l cant interpret the meaning of the sentences.

l prefer so be alone when l am like this.
Simply because l cant communicate.
I speak but the words l use are wrong.
Its called aphasia.
Using wrong words.
l can hear that the word l am using is not right but l cant remember what other context l am supposed to use that word in.

The words are usually connected somehow and if it wasnt so depressing it would be funny.
But it makes it difficult for me to talk.
And l dont understand what other people say to me.
Its like the words get scrambled and l lose the meaning of the sentences.
So l prefer to be alone when l am like this.

I hate talking about it because in some way l am embarrassed about getting these periods.
I have no reason to be shameful and embarrassed about it, l know.
l havent done anything wrong and yet l am.

Shameful and embarrassed.

Not so much when l am in it.
Right now it just is as it is

But when its “over” and l come out on the other side, becoming aware of the extent of the bubble l was isolated in.
When l have to look the people in the eyes that l have avoided l feel so shameful and embarrassed.

Anyways, when l am in these periods where l cant read or write, l either paint or crochet.
I am not good at either of them, so l call it art.
I need to have some kind of expression.

This is the painting l am working on right now.
Yggdrasil – the tree of life from the nordic mythology.
Yggdrasil connects everything.
Its not supposed to be symbolic, but l guess everything is.

I will get back to you when l can participate again.

Love P

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